Things to buy the millisecond I start working

Running shoes
Contact lenses
White toms or white converse
Actually, lets go general here too

Oh monay, how I’ve missed you!

in my psychology of women class we were looking at ok cupids blog and they had a chart that said that women who didn’t work out tend to have more issues reaching orgasm and my professor asked the class why we thought that was and everyone was like well if you’re fat you feel bad about yourself so you don’t let go and don’t enjoy it as much and if you’re overweight you have heart conditions and overweight this and overweight that and I was like holy shit why is not working out related to being overweight in everyones mind?

there are plenty of curvy women who work out, and work out hard and there are plenty of skinny women who never workout at all

when you say that a person who doesn’t work out is automatically, by definition someone who is overweight, and then say something like they don’t reach orgasm because they feel bad about their bodies, all you’re saying is that women should feel bad if they’re not a size zero. fuck that.

people in my psychology of women class, who all claim to be feminist, don’t even realize the misogynist messages they back up with the stupidity that comes out of their mouths (because if you say any woman should hate her body, you hate women. period)

i wanted to scream.

Yoga Today

sweat was rolling into my eyes and getting in between my lips but my balance was remarkable and I could feel my upward dog getting stronger and my pigeon hurt but it was a good hurt that I could push myself into and I love watching and feeling myself grow and improve,

its really fucking excited.

this is the first time in a long time that i realize that i am not ready for any relationship. 

i always fantasize and hope, but it has just now become blatantly obvious that i am still in that process of loving myself. sure, in this past year i’ve taken steps towards that but the progress is so minimal compared to where i have left to go.

im grateful for having worked where i worked,it gave me great experience and whatnot but being around girls all the time, and the unspoken catty-ness — i honestly think it pushed me back when it comes to loving myself. i always felt less than and i constantly compared myself to everyone else and thats horrible. absolutely horrible. 

i really want to work to getting back on track with this relationship. i want to make it work. it is the most important thing in my life right now.

i need to 

  • take out money, pay my VS bill
  • see if the music and video store going out of business next to my job has Girls on DVD
  • come home and work out
  • remember to have oatmeal for dinner and not get side-tracked by my hunger
  • relaxxxxxxx

is it weird that im excited for the gym at the hotel?

the last time i was in a gym was like five years ago when losing weight was nowhere on my mind, just something my mom was forcing me to do.

like, how do you work all the machines. this is going to be a fucking adventure. im going to look stupid as shit, but no fucks will be given.

my whole body is sore

this feels fucking amazingggggg.

i’m forcing myself to wear bikinis on my vacation. i could be a flabby mess or i could be kind of toned. best believe im going to work out everyday until im on that plane.

next semester im taking the stairs everywhere. i have been an elevator and escalator junkie since i transferred but no more! 

going from a girl with a preggo-looking gut who lived in 170-180 pounds to the person i am now really fucked with a lot.

weight is always, always a touchy subject. i hate that i become so serious around that topic if and when it comes up.

i havent been close to anyone since the fact. i feel like i have no personality. conversation is such an effort because i am so fucking self aware and self conscious.

i’ve had a slew of medical bullshit going on with my body.

im a thousand times more self aware and i care more about what people think of me and i feel like that is the root of all evil but sometimes i sit here and think about how much i changed and like, goddamn.

i miss who i was before, i miss living without being hyper-aware of the casing i am in. i miss being free.

i’m going to be walking around naked on a beach in two weeks and i want my body readyyyyyyy.

crunch time, katherine. let’s gooooooo. 

i’m going to wake up and do my first workout of 2013. 

lol turns out my phone has been refusing to receive texts all day. i love how my instinct is that everybody hates me and i’m not good enough.

good to know my self-esteem is in tact.

i want my body fat to be at -8% omg

this pudge that has forever been on my tummy and the jiggle in my booty has got to go. BAIIII

10 pounds by Christmas

I started on November 27th at 149.0

Today (December 7th) I’m at 144.4

Five pounds in ten days? 

I hate that I’m not doing this correctly. Again. Yesterday I went through a pack of gum because my breath smelled horrible because I hadn’t eaten anything except for breakfast at 4am. Though it’s not really completely my fault, my appetite has been non-existent and everything makes me want to puke before like, 2pm. 

I’m going to try and eat more from here on out (more, but still under 1300). 

I’m not going to lie though, I feel thrilled that it’s not hard anymore again. No lightheadedness from my hypoglycemia, the hunger is easy to ignore again (well, except at night when it gives me dreams of stale Cheetos and extreme nausea).

I’m so conflicted. 

lost a real pound

the only way I’ve ever known how to lose weight is through restriction.

I started working out and eating just a little bit less later in the night, and although it took three days, I lost a pound.

I feel like that’s a real pound gone. 

Yesterday I went out with friends and saw how huge my thighs looked, or just how I looked in general. Which makes me hate myself, but I mean, one real pound is gone.

All I can do is keep up eating clean and working out.

(let’s ignore the fact that its thanksgiving today)

need to buy
  • tights
  • knee high socks
  • leggings
  • white oversized knit sweater
  • maroon knit scarf

wintery things 

oh, and my nike sneakers.