i go through these stages where i want sex so bad i cant stand it and then a week later sex seems like the grossest most appalling thing and my libido becomes non-existent.

whats wrong with me.

i really am not looking forward to my shift today.

2-11?

i want to pass out just thinking about it. 

you know when you watch people do shit without them knowing? what if someone watches you watch that person?

there is this girl at my job and she is the tiniest thing. her legs are fucking perfect and she’s just — itty bitty. she looks good in a fucking potato sack and legging i swear and i just couldn’t stop staring.

i guess what im trying to really say is that i hope no one is staring at me while i stare at this perfect girl i am so fucking envious of her

that would be weird, wouldn’t it?

i was studying for my nutrition exam while eating breakfast, and i was looking over the digestive system and how food turns to bolus and travels down and then becomes liquid chyme and then water it removed and it becomes thick and pasty, and i was just like 

alright. no longer hungry …

going to scroll on tumblr for a bit (FOR A BIT, ha. I laugh at the faith i have in myself) and then workout and then study ‘til fall asleep.

weeeeee

ugh

im just so tired of everything of not knowing what im going to do with my life and hating my reflection not even my weight, like my face grosses me out and the kind of people i want to meet are just not in my life and im so lonely and bored and tired of being disappointed by everything and just ugh

so ive done nothing today and i plan on doing nothing a little more and then maybe a dash of nothing before i go to sleep

lets just ignore the fact that i have a shit ton of chapters to read and a test to study for

whatevs, living on the edgeeeeeeeee

this might be tmi but

i used to eat fiber and take it like a boss.

but its been awhilllllllle. i have an apple and my stomach goes insane, oatmeal and my stomach goes insane. I used to eat fiber one everyday in school and — nothing! my stomach would take it like a champ. but now … my stomach just goes insane! which is no bueno since i hate when my stomach hurts because I refuse, refuse to go to the bathroom in school or at work (im too much of a lady — ha no, i just have an extremely shy booty) which means I’d rather have foods that are binding and quite rankly, more unhealthy.

i need to up my fiber intake on the weekends or something and get my body where it used to be — bff’s with fiber. 

Today I actually woke up, ate an apple and green tea and then got so incredibly naseous it was insane, but had a piece of toast and waited for it to wear off so I could work out.

And I worked out.

I know, I’m shocked too. Tried not to think about it. But honestly, I was thinking about so many other things while I was working out that I barely got winded, so I’m not really going to consider that a good workout — but hey! I got up, I got moving. Thats a baby step … or at least I’ll keep telling myself that.

We went to long island so I ate Ikea food (chicken tenders and fries — so nutritious, I knowwwww) and then had a bit of rice and meat for dinner. Some raisins in between, so all in all, good day!

I just want to stop eating so late at night. New goal? New goal.

I haven’t worked out, like not even joked about working out, in about a month.

Just … a sedentary month because of the anemia scare and my glucose levels and a strained tendon, but honestly — now it’s just because of my negative percentage of motivation.

Shit. 

I don’t really find myself on this blog anymore because I didnt have a laptop and its too personal a blog to be signing in from the computer my mom and I share, but now that I have a laptop back in my life (reunited and it feels so good), I think I’m going to try and find that motivation again. Though it seems like I have to start from step one with following some new blogs because holy shit my dash is deaaaaaaad.

But in the meantime, I will scroll for a little longer, intricately plan my day for tomorrow knowing very well that I may just sleep in and do homework, and read my Fitness magazine and hope that, from some crevice in my body, motivation crawls up out of its hiding place and into gear.

I spent too much money on bikini’s last night,

which means I’d better enjoy the fuck out of them. 

I want to look good in them, but I have to, have to remember that two or three pounds to me looks the same to everyone else. It isn’t the two dimples I have on my left thigh. It’s the fact that I smile, that I laugh, and I am confidant and comfortable in my body.

I have to remember that this summer. 

I mean I am still motivated as fuck to look toned and fit, but being happy with my progress and with my body, day by day, is just as important.

Remember that Katherine, for the love of God, please. 

I’ve had yogurt for breakfast (with toast), yogurt for lunch (with orange juice), and it’s pretty much looking like yogurt for dinner.

My food choices are so diverse, it’s crazy.

How can I even keep up with myself?

I had too much meat this weekend. 

I rarely ever even eat chicken but yesterday I went to a BBQ, which means … obviously, lots of meat.

It goes without saying but I feel a bit dirty. Meh.

I’m off of work all week so I’m going to try and eat lots of fruit and yogurts and stuff. We’ll see how that goes. 

And I start pole dancing on tuesday, which I am beyond excited for! It’s only five classes though. Womp womb.

Today’s To Do:

Cardio

Hooping

Reading

Finally watching Inception

I am living life in the fast lane.

Good Morning

Banana, coffee, Forever21.com and a yummy tasting micro-lozenge.

Going to put my socks on and workout soon — finals have not been good on my regimen.

But I bought yogurt for the first time in a month yesterday (I had to stop eating it because dairy was really fucking me up) so I’m excited for that …

Yeah. Let me stop procrastinating and go burn some calorias.